For a lot of people back then, the choice is absolutely obvious. US is the land of money, freedom and it's where dreams come true, I would be pursuing the highest degree possible and have a great future in wherever I set my mind on. I would be able to get my PhD at the age of 25 and be a successful young scientist. In contrast, the second choice seems a bit, weird and, unconventional. However, I felt very differently about this, I didn't like research much, working all day in lab and reading publications all day is very far from what I want to do. I was this curious, energetic young girl with sparkly eyes looking for adventures, and the picture doesn't include lab test and academic publications, at all. In contrast, teaching and writing always had great appealing to me, the ability to influence people through either education and words inspired me and I always took pride in being good at public speaking and writing.
Now it's 5 years later, I wish I could be typing right now something along the line of "I made the right choice, and I am doing great". Well nope, that's not what I am doing. I chose to come to US, aaannnnd let's be honest, I constantly feel lost and not be doing what I wanted to do, that coupled with the huge pressure of surviving in a foreign country as an immigrant, I spent a number of years in deep mind-crumbling depression. I could not stand doing biochemistry experiments all day so I quit the PhD program and graduated with a MS instead, luckily I found a high-paying job in the pharmaceutical industry, but everyday I constantly feel like a zombie and I feel my soul/dream is mercilessly crashed and I hate who I am right now.
So I was just standing at a lab sink at work washing some stupid cans and listening to this audio book, and I was asked to give my younger self an advice. Well as cliche as it sounds, I would have told the 20-year-old Molly with sparkly eyes to follow her heart. A short-term gain in money really doesn't matter that much if couldn't buy that sparkle in your eye, if it couldn't bring the relentless passion and dedication in doing what you believe in and enjoy doing, which happens to be the biggest joy in life for me.
And the second advice would be, when you do know what you wanted to do, stop being super afraid and worrying about what could happen, stop thinking about all the obstacles and "impossibilities", instead just go ahead and do it, and deal with the difficulties and obstacles as they come.
Reason for the second advice is related to my half-ass entrepreneurial endeavors. I knew I wanted to start my own business all along, I took classes, conjuring up ideas and meeting with people, in graduate school we had something going, but it was difficult then shit happens and we stopped. Also, I am in a constant anger towards US immigration system, there is no entrepreneurial visa, and I am not allowed to be the CEO of my own company even if I had any. I have to do this part-time while allowing a citizen to manage the company or I have to painstakingly get a green card through other means first. All of these looming impossibilities stopped me, although I had numerous ideas, I had more fear and worries.
But I went to law firm seminars about "visas for entrepreneurs", and listen to stories of friends or friend's boss to succeed in US as an immigrant entrepreneur. I KNOW that there are ways to do it, it's just more difficult and painstaking, but it's doable. Worst comes worst, If I really have a great thing going, I could just go "fuck you US" and move to Canada instead, which is a country that has a entrepreneur visa. Or China, or wherever I get to what I want to do.
My problem is not more difficult than the problems other American entrepreneurs faced--shit always happens, and the ability to deal with it is what tells one apart. My inaction when faced with all the difficulties, and my paralyzing fear and worries are the real culprit.
Ok let's go back to the scene where Molly is standing in front of the lab sink doing things she deemed a pure waste of time, which is probably true. Now she listened to this audio book and gave herself two great advises. The next question is, am I going to follow my own advice? I have to concede that I've always been the expert of giving great advises to myself and at the same time I am also mastered the skill of not following any of them. At the depth of my depression I always told myself to "pull it together and be awesome", and I always went to get drunk and cry for an entire night in deep self-damnation instead.
During all this struggling and argument back-and-forth with myself, (you can probably call it pure loneliness and isolation too) I developed these two "selfs", one is inspiring, active, hard-working and ass-whipping, while the other is creative, rebellious, dark and lazy-as-hell. These two selfs often are conflicted about what do, yet they are hopelessly trapped within the same body that's normally associated with "Molly". For example, one wants to go work out and be fit/hot, and the other wants to lay down and and contemplate on human's ridiculous vanity in terms of body images. One wants to work on "the next project" and be all fluffy and excited, and the other is scornful for the lack of imagination and tediousness of the process.
Eventually to get anything done, I had to lead a negotiation between this two selfs and reaches an mutually beneficial agreement on the next course of action. So instead of referring to myself as "I", I started to use "we" (well, at least when I am alone and not provoking any suspicion of psychosis). Instead of saying " I WILL" do such and such, I say "LET'S" do this or that.
So there I am, telling myself, let's listen to my own advises. Let's stop worrying about being poor and obscure, let's reach inside of our unique desires and dreams, let's respond to the inner calling instead of external desire for approval. Let's settle our minds down and do what you can for the moment.
Let's be brave,
Let's write.
Let's write.
