Playful Imagination and Twisted Compassion of Richard Brautigan’s poems

Two poems of Richard Brautigan:

Romeo and Juliet

If you will die for me,

I will die for you.

and our graves will

be like two lovers washing

their clothes together

in a Laundromat.

If you will bring the soap,

I will bring the bleach.

Have You Ever Felt Like a Wounded Cow

Have you ever felt like a wounded cow

halfway between an oven and a pasture?

walking in a trance toward a pregnant

            seventeen-year-old housewife’s

            two-day-old cookbook?

Playful Imagination and Twisted Compassion

of Richard Brautigan’s poems

Molly’s response paper II, 4-24-2012

            What kind of person would describe Romeo and Juliet’s graves as two lovers washing clothes together one bringing the soap and the other bringing the bleach? Richard put the classical and over-romanticized love story into a lowly Laundromat, and the grandiose You-die-for-me-and-I-die-for-you scenario became mundane, trivial and funny. Yet, between the lines of soaps and bubbles, a not-often-seen gentle and tender affection leaks out.

The metaphor of soap and bleach reminds me of a Chinese poem: “把一块泥，捻一个你，塑一个我，将咱两个一齐打碎，用水调和；再捻一个你，再塑一个我。我泥中有你，你泥中有我”, translated as “Mold two statues of you and me with mud, break both of them, then mix our mud together, and mold another two statues of you and me, so you have me in you and I have you in me.” Likewise for Richard we can say “let’s mix together as soap and bleach”.

In the “wounded cow” poem I love the “pregnant seventeen-year-old housewife’s two-day-old cookbook” line, simply a one-sentence but life time of information about a girl. As casually as it seems to push all the intense combinations of words (17-year-old house wife, two-day-old cookbook) into one phrase, it also shows the author’s depth of thought and empathy towards the girl and the society (and the cow). 

His imagination and ridiculousness surprise me and make me smile. I don’t know if he was avoiding being overly sentimental by twisting his compassion into dark satire, but I believe his poems playfully poke at the softness of our heart.

琳

Lin

　－Ache of a name

　

No name should sound
that beautiful

as it came out of your month

The trembling of air

as time stopped right there

The thoughtful pause

The silent story

Eyes lost focus

Lashes went down

Nothing ached tenderer

than your broken heart

name of an unknown woman

stubbornness of your eyes 

The salty sadness of a tear

drops like a pebble in my pond

rippling with my life and memory

A party with the world

Job searching

is a party

The shameful or glorious past

The shattered or fulfilled dreams

The proud or torturous talents

intertwined at the dance floor

Who cares about rejection?
Drink a shot of a new webpage;
the hotness of the entrepreneurship
the burning sensation of traveling and teamwork

The cocktail of aspirations and disappointment
The mix of passion and professional-ship,

Consulting an aviation project in mid-east,

Volunteer at the sanitizing facility at Haiti,

Shooting down a helicopter of Taliban
Negotiating airline ticket pricing
Directing toilet paper packaging
Organizing campus recruiting event


Non-governmental organizations,

the compassion behind a helicopter,

filled with water and food,

Financial services,
cravings for money and fame,
nothing better than begging with a suit at wall street,

Pharmaceutical industry,
pretentiously ripping off the healthcare system
human’s natural fear of immortality
Media and communication
sexy young woman in MTV with heels and dresses
black rapper cursing government and drugs

I am having a party of futures
I am having a party with the world

Planning skill -- breaking down

Recently I am working diligently on improving my planning skills, which includes me inventing a giant 6-page excel file dedicated for short-term planning for daily task. Through experimenting & improving I got tons of insights into my own working habit as well as a lot of pit falls that I encountered in the past when I did not-so-extensive plans. Here I am going to write down one particularly important insight about planning big or multi-step projects.


I always procrastinate at the face of a bulky large project, because it just seems to be very time consuming and happiness-draining. The habitual way of thinking is that I need to spend a whole day or a whole week finishing doing this project, and at this day or this week I will do nothing else but this project, and then I will get it completely done and out of my mind.


This habitually assumed way is not very effective or realistic in real life because:


1. Naturally there will be other tasks to be finished at the same time, it's hard to find whole empty day/week to focus on one project.
2. Keeping focus on one project is very boring/emotionally draining/mentally exhausting
3. Very importantly, some parts of the project will need you to wait, for example, you might need external help/input, you might wait for the purchase of some item, or you need to wait for the response of an email, etc. So it's not realistic to expect to finish a project continuously in a lump some. This is especially true when you are cooperating with other people and there will always be schedule conflicts and so on.
4. At most times, a project will need revisions and modifications even after it's finished, actually how good the project will largely depend on how many revisions there are. There are very few occasions of "getting it done and out of the mind".


As obviously wrong as my habitual thinking seems to be, I spent so much time in the past either agonizing/panicking over the impossibility of a large project or procrastinating until the last minute and ending up with a crud & not-so-satisfying result.


The way to solve this problem is to just shift the perspective of looking at the project as whole & un-breakable, instead to break the project down into small cumulative steps (some times different levels of steps), and disperse these steps into daily activities depending on my daily schedule.


A very vivid example: I need to finish my thesis before next Monday. My previous plan would be put "Thesis" to my daily task and don't know what to do with it when I come to this item. This time, at the first day I spent about 30 minutes to just plan. I break the task to:


0. Prep: locate the draft and the paper associated with the thesis, as well as all the data and figures.
1. edit the text of the draft
    1a, edit the text of the draft by incorporating the paper that my boss wrote
    1b, edit the grammar and fluency of the draft
2. edit the figure
    2a, incorporating figures from the paper
    2b, incorporating figures not from the paper
    2c, write/update figure legends
3. edit the format
    3a, citation of reference and figure
    3b, font, space etc.


I added this breakdown plan to an extra sheet of my giant planning table as a reference, and then I put Thesis 0& 1a to the date of today. So today I will only focus on working on the preparation and editing the text of thesis based on the paper.


Then it much reasonably easier than just a lump big "Thesis" in my task.


But when it comes to work on Theis-1a I still find it very challenging because just editing the text of a whole thesis draft seems a big project. Then I decided to break it down even more:


Theis 1a:
1.1) Read thesis draft Abstract
1.2) Read the papers abstract
1.3) Make a final abstract by combination


2.1) Read thesis draft introduction
2.2) read the papers introduction
2.3) Make the combined introduction


3) same thing on "materials and methods"


4) same thing on "results and discussion"


5) same thing on "conclusion"




And I delve into it and finished 1.1-1.3 in 15 minutes. and then finished 2.1-2.3 in another 40 minutes. At this stage the task is infinitely less stressful. And the wonderful thing is, at this stage I can work really quickly because I don't have to worry about grammar or format because that's scheduled to be corrected later.


By doing the breakdown, essentially I take away the stress and get to focus on one particular task at one time thus much more efficient. (instead of keep changing the format and sentence positioning and grammar repetitively).


Even more importantly, there are times when I over-schedule for one day, if it is before I would just panic and become really guilty for not finishing my task, (and because of stress brought by the guilt, I have a larger tendency to procrastinate ). In this case, I would just finish the task to maybe just 3.1, and then keep on the next day from 3.2, since wrong estimation of time needed for a particular task is very common and there is no reason to feel bad about it.


This way could work for any multi-step task. Any daunting big project could be break down to infinitely easy and small steps, and could be achieved with persistence and patience over a period of time. I believe this is a much more efficient way in the long run, and it take away a lot of the anxiety and pain that I always feel about a big project.


The philosophy behind this skill is also very thought provoking, like in the old Chinese idiom of "水滴石穿" which means drips of water can penetrate a rock over time. Despite the common cultural emphasis on talent, enthusiasm and interest, persistency and tenacity are equally if not more important trait to have. Plus this is a really cool way of facing big challenges as well. 

sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up

I was looking at a few companies which I am planning to apply a job in. 

The companies include pharmaceutical companies like Merk and Eli Lilly, Management consulting firms like Oliver Wyman, and other health sysem providers like theranos and cerner. 

Oliver Wyman caught my eye, I fell in love with it almost instantly. 

It's a management consulting firm. People working there seem brilliant.They value intellectual pursuits. It has a non-hierachial structure. It values entrepreneurial spirit. They encourage the employers to develop personal interest. The atmosphere in the company seems to be supporting and warm, and They all have that adventurous spirit.They have global offices in Dubai, Munich, Boston, Paris. People travel arround the world for their work. Diversity is highly valued as I can see tons of minority faces.

There are people from both high profile Universities and well as small unknown Universities, meaning they both hire people with demonstrative education background at the same time not totally focused on just the hardware background.

The company seems to match my interests and pursuits in a very comprehensive and deep level and I really appreciate how the executive of the company manages to build some a nice and thoughtful and vey powerful environment for their employees. 

So how I feel about it?

I feel very excited, of course, for be able to find such company. and I really really would like to get in. Then I feel kind of lost at the same time. because, I seriously doubt my ability to get in......I have no doubt in my intelligence, or interpersonal skills, or how fast I will learn, or whatever. But I have serious doubt about how they can see my value despite my degree in biochemistry and lack of consulting experience or a top-noche University degree. 

So What do I do?

Based on previous experience, my natural reflex would be, oh no there is no way I can get in, I must as well give up instead of facing the failure that's doomed to come. Then I looked other ways. 

But what are the other ways? The other ways are getting a biotech job or something that I am just not that interested in. 

I always automatically "disqualify" myself from the things/people that I want the most, and settle for the less because of less risk and because I don't want to face the possible failure. 

This has almost being a pattern of my whole life in which I just don't have the courage to pursue what I really wanted because I "assume" that I will never be able to get it so why risking the rejection and failure. 

This is a very self-destructive habit which is based on the wrong assumption of my worthlessness. 

Knowing my problem is a very giant step to get out of it. I'd like to quote one of my favorite authors-Elizabeth Gilbert's TED talk, which has been inspiring me tremendously in my treacherous hike out of my own self-destructiveness.

"Don't be afraid, don't be daunted. Just do your job. Continue to show up for your piece of it, whatever that might be. If your job is to dance, do your dance. If the devine, cockeyed genius assigned to your case decides to let some sort of wonderment be glimpsed, for just one moment through your effort, then "Ole!" And if not, do your dance anyhow. And "Ole!" to you, nonetheless, just for having the sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up. "

Tampon Purchasing Strategy

One day I ran out of tampon when I exactly needed them. I had to go to a store specifically for two packages of tampon, spending about 1 hour. 

So every month predictably I will need about two packages of tampon, and the tampon brand/type I am using is the same from my favorite brand, so it seems obvious that buying tampon every month is far less efficient than purchasing large stock of tampon for extended period of time ( one or two years).

Then I remembered in "Big Bang Theory", Sheldon advises Penny to buy 30-year worth of tampons because "there are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk" and "Tampon is a product that doesn't spoil and you are going to need them for at least the next thirty years". Then of course Sheldon requested Penny's mom's age of menopause to better estimate how many years of tampon to buy. 

Apparently buying 30-year worth of tampons is not the best strategy because of: 1. the large space they take and the trouble to move them around for 30 years. 2. improvement of tampon technology over the years. 3. simple boredom of using the same product. 

But Sheldon did have a point. In my mind buying in one or half year of a stock when it's on sale seems to be the best strategy. 

(And I admit that here I am just trying to be nerdy and funny by playing with the semi-taboo topic of "tampon" using my female perspective) 

Child adoption delemma (updated)

Knowing how messed-up I am growing up from whatever family I am from, I never wanted a child of my own. Because I know whatever good intention I have, I cannot avoid hurting the child and messing him/her up tremendously. 

Looking at the emptiness and loneliness and desperation that I feel daily, I never want another child to feel the same ever again. My insecurity, low self-esteem, self-sabotaging and intense fear originated from my birth and will keep rippling into the lives of my offspring unless I stop the vicious cycle. There is absolutely no need to create a living human being to suffer through another generation of ignorance and abuse. 

Having made up my mind but looking at the suffering lives of children that are already irresponsibly brought to this world, it seems the best option here is to adopt a child after I reached my financial security. Because however messed-up I am, I am confident enough to provide a caring and nurturing home the best I can for them comparing to their alternative fate. At least I don't do drugs, and I won't beat them up or sexually molest them, the things I need to guard against, though, are verbal abuse and ignoring, which seem to be easily inherited non-genetically. 

So the basic idea is that I won't bring another child to this planet for the suffering it will go through for its entire life only because I happened to be the biological Mom as messed-up as I am, but I can try to make a better life out of those children who might have to go through worse. From a perspective of the whole population, this is beneficial act. 

End of story. 

(I am very impressed at how noble this article sounds like, but I always doubt anything that sounds very noble....so I decided to make some mathematical logic out of it) 

To summarize it in math, so we assume the human population is X, and the level of miserableness for each individual is a variable P, P_a is the average, the miserableness of my child (adopted or biological) would be P_m (m for Molly), and the miserableness of an orphan is P_o, Assume P_m < P_o,  the miserableness of the whole population would be:

if I have my own child, and there is an orphan some out there not taken care of: 

(X-1)•P_a + 1• P_o + 1• P_m = X•P_a + P_m + P_o - P_a

if I adopt that orphan: 

(X-1)•P_a +1• P_m= X•P_a +P_m-P_a

Obviously the later is smaller than the former, in this case, the general miserableness of the world is decreased.

But after twisting the question a little bit by replacing the miserableness with happiness, something interesting shows up:

Let's assume the assume the human population is X, and the level of happiness for each individual is a variable Q, Q_a is the average, the happiness of my child (adopted or biological) would be Q_m (m for Molly), and the happiness of an orphan is Q_o, Assume Q_m > Q_o,  the happiness of the whole population would be:

if I have my own child and leave that orphan out there: 

(X-1)•Q_a + 1• Q_o+ 1• Q_m = X•Q_a + Q_m + Q_o - Q_a

if I adopt that orphan: 

(X-1)•Q_a +1• Q_m= X•Q_a +Q_m-Q_a

Apparently this case the happiness of the whole population is also reduced if I choose to adopt a child. The explanation is very simple, because If I create a extra human being and she or he will definitely have some happiness to add into the happiness pool.

But the question is, what if the happiness of my biological child (Q_m) is less than the happiness increase of the orphan child (Q_m-Q_o) if I adopted him/her? in that case the general happiness of the world would be larger if I adopted a child. But that is the obviously impossible to happen because

Q_m > Q_m-Q_o

So after all the mathematical calculation, the happiness (miserableness) of the whole world will increase (decrease) if I have my own child instead of adopting an orphan, which is exactly the opposite of my original thinking. I think the problem came from that I calculated the population as X+1 when I have my own child in comparison to X when I adopt an orphan. so of course the total sum will be increasing as long as P and Q are positive number. But the real case is because the world population is so large and there are so many variables of life and death going on everyday, that we can assume the population of the world is a constant X. 

in which case: (to be continued....)




Continue 4-8-2012, Sunday


World miserableness when Molly adopts:
P1(world) = (X-1)Pa + Pm = X•Pa + Pm -Pa


World miserableness when Molly borns...


P2(world) = (X-2)Pa + Po + Pm = X•Pa + Pm + Po - 2Pa


P2(world) - P1(world) = Po-Pa


Because Po > Pa (Assume the miserableness of orphan is larger than average popultion)
then P2(World) > P1 (world), When Molly borns there is more miserableness than when Molly adopts.


Similar calculation for happiness:
when Molly adopts,
Q1 (world) = (X-1)Qa + Qm =X•Qa + Qm - Qa
when Molly borns,
Q2 (world)= (X-2)Qa + Qm + Qo = X•Qa + Qm + Qo - 2Qa


Q2-Q1= Qo-Qa, 
Because of assumption: Qo<Qa, 
then Q2-Q1<0, so Q2<Q1, 
Therefore the world happiness is less when Molly borns than when Molly adopts.


Now my mathematical equation matches my logical prediction. And very interesting to note that, in the final equation 
Q1-Q2= Qo-Qa, the world's final happiness is totally not related to Molly's ability to raise a child because Qm is eliminated from the equation, it's only related to the average happiness of the population Qa and the happiness of an orphan Qo. As long as the happiness of an orphan is less than that of average, it's always more beneficial to adopt than to give birth. 


Well that is because I only considered two scenario, in which Molly either has to adopt one child or she has to give birth to only one child. I assume either way the outcome of the child happiness is the same therefore cancel each other during the subtraction. There could be more alternative choices, like Q3 (Molly keeps being childless), Q4 (Molly gives birth to more than one child ), Q5 (Molly adopts more than one child), Q6 (Molly both borns and adopts), etc etc..... it will be more complicated and more interesting than just simple adding and subtraction. 


I think I will come back to this sometime later just to upscale the whole complexity of the problem by incorporating multiple options and having different assumptions. 
(at the same time I hope my PhD ex in math and such wouldn't be visiting my blog to laugh at my silliness.)